FAMILY TREASURES

I am so excited. I just received this photo containing my Russian Grandmother from an old family friend. 6 is or was my Grandmother.




I believe this photo was taken in Serbia while my Grandmother was becoming a nurse after her escape from Bolshevik Russia. This picture was published in a book that I do not have the title of at hand now, but it clearly shows my Grandmother was Princess & a woman of great substance.

Dr. Gray, a woman, was apparently responsible for helping my Grandmother & her sister complete medical training & travel to to the US. I would not be here were it not for Dr. Gray. I will have to research her & learn more about this particular angel of mercy from the early 1900s.

It is so fantastic to learn about these strong women, who existed even back then when it was not a woman's world. They are my heroes & my legacy.

ETHNIC HOLIDAY TRADITIONS

In preparation for the upcoming holidays I have been reading & researching Russian holiday traditions. I found the funny Ukrainian tradition (below) for the day after Christmas. This day after Christmas tradition seems reminiscent of Halloween rather Christmas to me!

My Russian ancestors' family home was in in the Ukraine but I think they still considered themselves be White Russians, so I am not sure if my Russian ancestors would have celebrated this way of not.



www.uazone.net/holidays/christmas.html

Christmas in Ukraine is celebrated January 7 according to the Gregorian calendar as in most of other Orthodox Christian countries...

...Next day in some villages in Western Ukraine people organize some folk performances which obviously were inspired by ancient pagan habits. They dress up themselves as monsters with pelts and horns and run through the village trying to scare people. After that they run to the special place on the outskirts of the village and there happens the main act: they fight with all people of the village and finally are defeated. The scarecrows are burned in the big fire. And all people are dancing around this fire. This symbolizes the fight of Good and Evil and that Good defeated Evil for the whole next year.

As I locate more interesting holiday traditions I may add to this blog.

MORE ADORABLE GRACIE KITTEN PICS

RETIRING THE TONY SPIELBERG PICS FROM THE PROFILE

Lots of people like the newer belly dance shot taken at a show just before I left town in early Oct. 07. The Tony Spielberg pics are some of the best yet so I am not taking them out of the blog altogether. (Here they are.)

NA

deleted

MY BABUSHKA'S GRAVESITE SOUTHERN CA

My father would like it if I were buried here with my babushka. Her husband, my grandfather, was cremated & his ashes were spread somewhere else. My father, her 1st son, will probably be buried with my mother in northern CA. My uncle, her 2nd son (who is also facing brain cancer now) does not seem to be interested in be buried at Santa Margarita. My babushka is all alone here. I was close with her & I think sometime down the road in the future maybe I will be buried in Santa Margarita CA, with my babushka, Princess Tatiana Wolkonsky.

MY RUSSIAN ANCESTORS ON THIS HISTORICAL ANNIVERSARY

Just getting started once again...

I have been so slow getting back online after coming home from my brother's funeral. Then NPR reported today, Nov. 7, 2007, is the 90th anniversary of the Bolshevik's takeover in Russia. The radio reminded me once again of how my family's futures changed so drastically when the group (who became the Soviets) took power. I remembered the memoirs I have just read, the memoirs that discussed my grandmother's exodus from Russia, and the old family pictures I was given when I visited my father recently. I want to post at least some of the Russian family pictures here (& eventually in Tribe.net & already loaded in Myspace) to aid in the search of other Wolkonskys who may still be alive & looking for family, as I am. I will start with a couple of the old Russian family photos today & continue as I complete scanning more of these old family photos. I have not decided yet how much to tell from the memoirs because they are still unfinished & unpublished.

******************************************************************************



My Russian Babushka when she was young, Princess Tatiana (Tanya) Dmitrievna Wolkonsky Kelley. She was a gifted linguist & nurse. She was considered quite beautiful and incredibly spirited. More on my Babu later. I am supposed to be very much like her in many ways.





My Russian great Dedushka (grandfather), Prince Dmitri Wolkonsky. He was a diplomat. I only learned who he was in the last month. Oddly enough I thought that I look rather like this great grandfather. This pic is an antique. This great grandfather died almost a hundred years ago.

WHERE DID HE GO?

The Mysteries of Life & Death have never been so vivid within my consciousness at any other time in my life. Upon learning of my brother Ted's death this week, the Mysteries have firmly planted themselves in my awareness, begging for answers, probably as a part of my struggle to give Ted's death meaning my subconscious can accept. Even when my mother died I was not so taken with the total bewilderment of loosing someone so close to me. How could Ted have been here one moment, alive & breathing, & then in the next moment be so utterly gone? Where did Teddy go?

I can't tell, is my soul completely separated from him now & is Ted lost to me forever, or is my soul simply soaring in celestial places looking for where my brother went, trying to merge with his spirit once again.

Now I must say goodbye to both my mom & my 1st brother. May you two be together, resting in peace and love. Save a place for me too! It will be a while before I can join you.

I may edit this as entry as time brings more images to me that help me heal.

As always, my blogs are also entered in Myspace & Tribe.net. I originally started blogging in Myspace but because Myspace regularly drops my older Blog entries I started entering my blogs here & in Blogger.

No Words

Like they say in Memoirs of a Geisha & Wind River

There are no words for profound sadness & grief

Only the heart can experience these

My brother, Edward Kelley, died sometime between Oct. 2 night or early in the morning AM on Oct 3

They think either congestive heart failure or pneumonia was the cause

Oct. the 2nd was also the anniversary of the death of one of my best friends

I will be at Creatures of Fire this week, dancing as usual, at the same time as the anniversary of the death of one of my best friends two years ago, having my Samhain..Halloween..Day of the Dead, but just a little more intense than usual

Then in something like 8 or 9 days head to the west coast for services

RIP my brother & kiss our mother for me please

Anyone Recognize This (Bag Worm?)

Caterpillar with an apparently home made shell of leaves & natural debris

This dude has been seen walking on flat ground over the last couple of days & has just now has been seen carrying his shell up the side of a lawn chair

His head sticks out the top & is visible in this pic

He was almost stepped on him before we realized he/she is alive

Picture was taken at home in Central, Texas last night

THE LIFE SCIENTIST IN ME IS FASCINATED BY...

...A report on NPR the week of August 13-17, 2007 by a scientist whose name I can not remember, but his discovery feels profound to me.

First, it turns out the larger the animal is, the greater the tendency for a slower heart rate & metabolism. This is good for larger species, like Man, elephants & whales. They have cells that work more efficiently & the larger animals tend to enjoy longer life spans.

The 2nd thing is that even though larger animals tend to have longer life spans, all types of animals have roughly the same amount on heartbeats in 1 life, approximately 1.5 billion if I am remembering correctly.

WOW! The Heart is the seat of our power!?

Death can be predicted, given everything else is equal, based upon how long it takes to complete 1.5 billion heartbeats, for a rat, cat, dog, human, elephant, whale...

Almost a Decade of Dancing

At Home Slide Show - Central Texas

NEW FIRE DANCE PHOTOS POSTED 7-23-07

Photos taken by Cherie

Private birthday party in June 2007
With WyldeFyre

REMEMBERING MY MOM

My mom was gorgeous.

I was closer to her than I expect to be with anyone else in my life.

Tomorrow, July 22 is the 6th anniversary of her death.

Last week I heard some current research results that made me appreciate my mother and remember something significant, loving and intellectual she did for me bringing me up. Now I see my mom was ahead of her time with respect to literacy.


Last week on NPR I heard a story discussing how the Harry Potter books have brought a generation of kids back to reading. In the study they looked into why some kids read and some kids don't like to read. One of the unexpected results showed kids who start reading early (around 1st grade) often loose interest in reading somewhere around 8-12 years old, because they have a hard time finding the next good book. This idea reminded me of when I was a kid and my mom constantly shared books with me she thought I had in interest in reading. My mom loved to read and she was very happy to see her eldest child and daughter enjoying books. Then I wondered if reading would have always held my interest if my mom had not been so encouraging.

STARTING TO LEARN RUSSIAN JULY, 16, 2007

Wow

I find it a strange coincidence that as a way to honor the memory of my Russian decsendants I decided to learn Russian at almost exactly 90 years to the day after the murder of the Russian Royal family. Maybe if I am lucky I will find a way to have contact with Russians (when I can speak with them in Russian).

I spent last weekend (July 14 & 15, 2007) at home starting my studies alone, for most of the weekend. Then Monday night I returned home again after work & continued the studies, instead of going to dance class Monday night.



Monday was July 16, 2007, exactly 90 years since the day the Romanoff Family, the Czar & Czarina & family were killed



http://www.joebattsarm.com/lexicografie/dias7.html



Nicholas Alexeevich Sokolov (1882-1924), 36, was appointed examining magistrate of the district of Omsk (which was in the hands of the White Army), on February 7, 1919, by Admiral Kolchak, and as such his task was the continuing of the investigation on the murder of the following eleven persons: Nicholas Alexandrovich Romanoff, Alexandra Feodorovna Romanoff, Alexis Nikolaevich Romanoff, Olga Nikolaevna Romanoff, Maria Nikolaevna Romanoff, Anastasia Nikolaevna Romanoff, Tatiana Nikolaevna Romanoff, Dr. Evgeni Sergeevich Botkin, Alexis Trupp (lackey), Anna Stefanova Demidova (servant) and Ivan Kharitonov (cook).
His conclusion that all of them were killed in the night of July, 16, 1918 in the basement of the House of Ipatiev, is based on five `facts':
1. A telegram was intercepted in which the bolsheviki confirmed that the entire Imperial Family was murdered.
2. Several eye-witnesses stated that they had seen that the Romanoffs and their people were dead.
3. The bodies were burned, and on the spot where this had happened were found several clothes, jewels and other personal possessions.
4. Near this spot, on the bottom of a mine, in which permanently was three feet of water, Sokolov found the carcass of Tatiana's dog, dentures and a finger. There wasn't any grave, he solumnly stated.
5. Nobody has seen the Romanoffs alive after this night.
Numerous investigations of forensic scientists show that Sokolov's conclusions were extremely debatable and most of the time wrong. Professor Francis Camps, pathologist of the British Home Ministry, analyzed Sokolov's material during a month, and concluded that the examining magistrate did an ill service to history, and that Sokolov obviously loved the fine art of self-deception. Dr. Edward Rich of the American Military Academy West Point confirmed professor Camps' conclusions. `Sokolov's conclusions are based on a series of presuppositions and not accurate.'
On June 25, 1919 Sokolov took a picture of the carcass of Tatiana's dog, which was the only recognizable corpse. Professor Keith Simpson, pathologist of the British Home Ministry, `If you look at the picture with a magnifyer, you see very little loss of fur. (...) It is impossible that this carcass at first has been in the water for two or three months. (...) No dog could have had so much fur after being in cold water for two of three months. After the frost period the dog would have been in the water for another two months, and this picture doesn't show that at all.'
It's not just the contents of Sokolov's report which can be disposed of as improper, the things he does not mention are also food for thought regarding his meticulousness. Why for example didn't he mention the fact that during the investigation the substitute district attorney Magnitsky found five bodies of Austrian men in a nearby mine? This information was important, because the interior guard of the House of Ipatiev partly consisted of former Austrian prisoners of war.

OLD FAMILY I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW

Imagine finding documents online about your paternal side of the family by your deceased Mother. I just did. In these documents I find genealogical clues to who the people in my father's father's side of the family were, the Kelleys, & who my Father's Mother's side of the family were, the Wolkonskys. Note: At the bottom of these sites it says the donor no longer has valid email. The Donor, & I believe the Author, was my Mother, Mary Ellen Hamilton Kelley, RIP. My mother died almost 6 years ago, but left us with a rich treasure trove full of family history. I would love to meet descendants from both sides of my father's family, since I did know these people growing up, the same way I knew my mother's people.

http://www.rootsweb.com/~tngiles/charts/westm.htm

http://www.rootsweb.com/~tngiles/charts/anthon1.htm

http://www.rootsweb.com/~tngiles/charts/anthon2.htm

Tatiana was my Grandmother, RIP Dorsey Kelley was my Grandfather, RIP

OPEN INTERACTIVE MONTHLY SHOWS In AUSTIN TEXAS WITH PICS

Here are a few of my recent fire performance photos.

I am part of WyldeFyre Productions. We put on shows at parties, festivals, sometimes on Theatrical stages, bars & more.

WyldeFyre Shows include live drumming, belly dancing, fire dancing, hula hooping & we are looking into including other carnival/circus style acts and vendors into our events.

We currently have an regular, ongoing show (Fire & Ice Social) on 1st Thursdays at Amy's Super South Austin Texas 3100 Far South Congress. This show is free, open to the public & family friendly. It is a low key, interactive, artistic mixer. People who are interested in performing with us, or watching the show, are invited to come on down from 6PM to 10PM on the 1st Thursday of each month. Many of the photos in this slide show were taken at the 1st Thursday Fire & Ice Socials in April, May & June of 2007.

I can be reached for further infomation about the Fire & Ice Socials @
AmberBarbara@hotmail.com

AMBER'S ANIMAL TALES AROUND AUSTIN VOL. 7/11/07 or RECENT WILDLIFE SHOTS FROM HOME

My recent mammal, bird, reptile & amphibian shots of common Central Texas wildlife in the summer.

My recent shots of bugs and 8 legged creatures, like spiders & scorpions, common to Central Texas in the summer.

I would love to hear the scientific names or the common names for these creatures. I took all of these photos in the June and July of this year near my home in Central Texas.

NEW CANCER RISKS IDENTIFIED FOR ENDOMETRIOSIS SUFFERS

Oh crap, I fought with Endometriosis, as well as metastatic Ovarian & Uterine Cancers. Earlier this year I found out the drug they gave me to treat my Endometriosis (Danazol - synthetic progesterine) was likely to have increased my chances of developing Ovarian Cancer. Combined, the presence of Endometriosis & the somewhat dangerous drug therapy, the two may have been enough to seal my chances of developing the cancer...

Passages from new research written up in

www.medicalnewstoday.com/healthnews.php

...The researchers, led by Dr. Anna-Sofia Melin, Karolinska Institute, Stockholm, Sweden, examined data on 63,630 women who had endometriosis. They found that endometriosis was linked to a higher risk of developing certain types of tumor...


...Dr Melin said "It could be that defects in the immune system allow the endometriosis to grow and also might allow cancer cells to grow in different parts of the body. Maybe the treatment of endometriosis can influence cancer development. We do not know yet."..


The scientists found the endometriosis raised the risk of developing the following types of tumors:

-- Ovarian tumors - 37% greater risk
-- Endocrine tumors - 38% greater risk
-- Kidney tumors - 36% greater risk
-- Thyroid tumors - 33% greater risk
-- Brain tumors - 27% greater risk
-- Malignant melanoma - 23% greater risk
-- Breast cancer - 9% greater risk

Surprisingly, women with endometriosis seem to have a 29% lower risk of developing cervical cancer.

ALLIGATOR ON OUR PROPERTY

I have several votes for Alligator, from nose shape. Some folks said Cayman too, but the animal behaved like an pet alligator.

Pics. taken by me on the Central Texas property on the creek around 10AM, July 1, 2007.

I thought he measured between 18 to 24 inches long. Now I wonder if that means he is a baby and his much bigger mother is lurking around somewhere near my home...

I wondered if I should keep my cats indoors for a while?

In the 2nd pic here he is again, hiding and peeking out from under the water while checking me out, probably seeing if I will feed him.

Within a couple of days of seeing the Gator, I talked in person with a Texas Parks & Wildlife Game warden who told me there are native alligators in Texas. Whatever you do, do not feed & leave it alone. Texas Parks & Wildlife does not want to hear about alligators unless they are threatening life or livestock. This alligator is so little he will probably not make it. Chances are this is a pet someone through out & the mother is no where near.

HE ATE ALMOST ALL OF MY PARSLEY

June 26, 2007

ARE THESE ALL DRAGONFLIES?

I took theses pictures on 6-24-07, at my property in Central Texas.

For some reason the picture of the tourquoise Dragon Fly makes me laugh outloud. He is pretty cute.

I have heard these are all Damselflies, a type of Dragonfly. The main difference between the species is in the wing conformation. When Dragonflies come to rest their wings remain flat. Damselflies fold their wings when they set down & rest.

AMBER'S ANIMAL TALES AROUND AUSTIN VOL 2 or WHY DID THE BABY BOX TURTLE CROSS THE ROAD?

Updating the WILD ANIMALS I HAVE SEEN ON MY PROPERTY blog with new pictures and stories seems to be a little awkward. I will probably still update the original animal blog to record when I see new animals that I have not observed here on my property previously. But I plan to start adding the animal pictures and stories in individual chapters by date. Here we go.

June 17, 2007 I saw the 2nd turtle crossing the driveway, away from the pond on the way to drier land. This was a small turtle, maybe 3 or 4 inches across at the widest point. I successfully snapped some photos of this turtle that crossed the road. Here is a picture, Playing Peekaboo with a Tiny Turtle.

I am still not sure why the turtles are leaving the pond.

OVARIAN CANCER SYMPTPOMS IDENTIFIED

Edited, addition directly below added 9-17-07 from War on Cancer's 09/17/07 MySpace Bulletin

-------------------------------------------------------------------

It's Ovarian Cancer Awareness month [September] know the symptoms!


The following symptoms are much more likely to occur in women with ovarian cancer than women in the general population. These symptoms include:
Bloating
Pelvic or abdominal pain
Difficulty eating or feeling full quickly
Urinary symptoms (urgency or frequency)

Women with ovarian cancer report that symptoms are persistent and represent a change from normal for their bodies. The frequency and/or number of such symptoms are key factors in the diagnosis of ovarian cancer. Several studies show that even early stage ovarian cancer can produce these symptoms.

Women who have these symptoms almost daily for more than a few weeks should see their doctor, preferably a gynecologist. Prompt medical evaluation may lead to detection at the earliest possible stage of the disease. Early stage diagnosis is associated with an improved prognosis.

Several other symptoms have been commonly reported by women with ovarian cancer. These symptoms include fatigue, indigestion, back pain, pain with intercourse, constipation and menstrual irregularities. However, these other symptoms are not as useful in identifying ovarian cancer because they are also found in equal frequency in women in the general population who do not have ovarian cancer.

Copied from ~ http://www.ovariancancer.org/index.cfm?nodeid=1

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Experts cite hopes for early diagnosis
>
> By Denise Grady
> New York Times News Service
>
> June 13, 2007
>
> Cancer experts have identified a set of health problems that may be
> symptoms of ovarian cancer, and they are urging women who have the
> symptoms for more than a few weeks to see their doctors.
>
> The new advice is the first official recognition that the disease,
> long believed to give no warning until it was far advanced, does
> cause symptoms at earlier stages in many women.
>
> The symptoms to watch out for are bloating, pelvic or abdominal
> pain, difficulty eating or feeling full quickly and feeling a
> frequent or urgent need to urinate. A woman who has any of those
> problems nearly every day for more than two or three weeks is
> advised to see a gynecologist, especially if the symptoms are new
> and different from her usual state of health.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I also noticed an incredibly strong tickling sensation, as the blood & such flowed into the pelvic region where my tumors were growing out of control. The tickling was more prevalent than the bloating & the pain (except when the endometriosis was active, in my case the endometriosis hurt more than all the rest).

I have also been taught by my OVCA Oncologist & the Vet I worked for that sudden weight loss and sharp pain with no explanation can be cancer symptoms too, for almost any kind of cancer. This just means you need to get checked out when these symptoms arise, especially when these symptoms occur together. Fatigue & general weakness can also be a sign that cancer is growing so fast in your body. The tumors grow & take the nutrients from you, & can make you feel weak & fatigued.

THOSE ABSURD WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP MOMENTS

I'm starting to record those absurd, bizarre and outlandish moments that occur in everyday life. I update this blog from time to time when I feel the sense of ridiculous rising within me in response to stupid and preposterous things that happen in daily life.

1. Don't Invite Me to Join Your Harem - Yikes! I can't help it. I am more insulted by your lack of respect for me thinking I would accept a relationship with anyone who can have many partners, while I am allowed to only have one partner, than I am warmed by your regard for me. I can not live with such double standards, I am made of different stuff than that...

2. Deviant Sex Does Not Make a Good Ice Breaker - If you don't know me, I am not likely to warm up to you like you may want, if you choose to discuss anything sexual with me within the first five minutes of meeting you, let alone discussing something so personal and strange at the same time!

3. No, I Won't Make Coffee or How To Diffuse Professional Teasing with Humor- This is old, from back when I had recently graduated from engineering school, as a female & had accepted a new job in the engineering field. Women engineers will tell you the first way coworkers will often to relate with the new girl engineer is through teasing her, "Oh good, I am glad you are here. Can you make coffee?" Lots of women would probably get mad when this happens. When I faced the teasing I decided to say something to effect of, "Oh gosh sir, I am new here. I don't know how things work. If you will make the coffee today & show me how it works, I will make it tomorrow". It always worked. They always laughed & only asked me to make coffee when it was my turn because I drank all the coffee. (Added 6/13/07)

4. If You Are a Virgo Forget About Asking Me Out - I have a weakness for Virgos :) I realize now that I can not be intimately involved with anymore Virgos, for my own sanity. A couple of years ago when I wanted to leave a bar where we were at, I said to a girl friend, joking, "Time to go, he's a Virgo." A dozen voices all replied back simultaneously, "What's wrong with Virgos?" (Added 7/3/07)

5. Don't Feed The Alligators - Really! See July 1, 2007 blog. It would be fun to put up a sign saying this but I think it might have the opposite effect from what I intend. (Added 7-8-7)

6. I am a shy person. - I know I present myself as a target by putting myself out there as a performer. People think I am joking when I say I am shy. Even so, I can still find it difficult to meet new people sometimes or just to engage in interactions with folks I don't know very well. If I seem a little a loof sometimes when dealing with people I do not know, it is because I REALLY AM A VERY SHY PERSON. (Added 7-12-07)

7. No, I am not going to follow anyone's "friendly advise" to just forget about how I faced & survived my extremely aggressive & metastatic ovarian cancer & get on with my life. *I am getting on with my life*. Just because someone is uncomfortable with the idea of cancer does not mean that I need to forget the biggest accomplishment in my life to date, just to make someone else feel good or less uncomfortable. I will not consider anyone who says this to me to a real friend. I don't want to forget the HUMONGOUS MIRACLES that occurred in my life because I was willing to authentically face my cancer. Profound healing took place for me & those who cared for me. If that is not enough, remember the adage *those who forget history are doomed to repeat their mistakes*. I was primarily responsible for saving my own life because I insisted on getting the proper medical tests immediately even though the doctors did not think I had cancer. If I had ignored the symptoms & intuitions telling me I was very sick, I would not be alive today. Knowing what the symptoms are & listening to the internal cues that signaled the disease are profoundly more important realities to me than being a good little sociable girl who pleases others at the detriment of her own survival needs. I feel a distinct lack of courage coming from the people who insist I just forget my cancer. I hope they don't loose someone close or even their own lives because they are too afraid to even think about cancer. (Added 9-2-07)

8. What not to say to your friend when she tells you her brother just died - Yes these situations really happened. Please don't anyone ask me what is wrong & when I say my brother just died, interrupt me to tell me I need to call another mutual friend & comfort them through the cancer the other friend's dog is coping with. Also when you ask your friend how did the brother die, don't interrupt the friend as she is tries to answer your question to say, "You have to come first now & I am here for you". (Added 10-6-07)

Name changed 10-6-07 from THINGS I WANT TO SAY ALOUD BUT JUDGEMENT PREVENTS OR REPLIES I DON'T THINK OF IN THE MOMENT & 1st paragraph edited/shortened.

MY RUSSIAN FAMILY COAT OF ARMS for WOLKONSKY SURNAME

Here is a copy of the Wolkonsky Coat of Arms. Growing up I was told over & over that I had a legal right to bear and display this Coat of Arms. My Babushka told me the angel in the Wolkonsky Coat of Arms is St. Michael the Archangel and St. Michael is the Wolkonsky family patron.

Wolkonsky is the way my family spelled the name. I understand the Volkonsky spelling is even more common. In the US authentic versions of the Wolkonsky might also be spelled "Volkonskiy" or "Volkonskij"

A TOUCH OF THE EXOTIC

I knew my mother's parents, & my father's mother pretty well, but I did not know my father's father very well. That Grandfather died when I was only eight years old. We called him Grandad.

My father felt the loss of Grandad very profoundly. My dad was very close with his dad. My dad told me Grandad's family was from the Tennessee and Kentucky area. The family had mostly Irish & English blood. The family name is an English version (Kelley).

Grandad was a doctor. There were stories of my grandparents working together as a medical team (among other things, my father's mother was a surgical nurse). I have even heard stories of my Grandparents being called to Hearst Castle in the 1920 or 1930s on a medical call. I have also heard they loved each other passionately in the early years, before my dad's accident.

When I was born my Grandfather told my mother he was going to buy me, his first grandchild, a Firebird. (I guess that was the fast car my Grandad liked. He had a classic Chrysler 300 at the time which went pretty fast.) My dad said Grandad was one of the gentlest people he ever knew. Grandad also apparently came from a very sensitive family. My great grandfather was said to have been terribly sensitive. (& I always thought it came from the Slavic side!)

My Grandmother was the Slavic one. We called her Babu, short for Babushka or Grandmother in Russian. Babu fought her way out of Russia during the Bolshevik revolution, a noble running for her life in the midst of great chaos and violence at the tender age 14. My Grandmother, her sister & her brother left behind lots of family she never saw again, jewels sewn into their hems upon which they had to survive. Somewhere in Turkey some kind soul saved my Grandmother's life by hiding her in some hay while the authorities searched for her. I still remember her telling me how Turkish people are some of her favorite people in the world. Babu and her sister are said to have entered the US on a single passport as "One". It's a good thing. This year I learned if they had only made it to Europe they would have been sent back to Russia! (The Europeans sent the Russian Nobles back to certain death! I am horrified!!!!!) The stories...

...Babu came from the Wolkonsky family. They were Cavalry Officers & Diplomats in service of the Czar. The great writer Tolstoy was a cousin of mine, though I understand Babu did not like her cousin, Tolstoy, at all because their politics differed greatly. That side of the family came to the US from Russia (by way lots of other places between) arrived here in with nothing, worked hard & were well off again within less than a generation.

My Grandmother's story may sound romantic, but it is also one of the sources of terrible dysfunction (somewhat like being a holocaust survivor). My dad won't talk about Babu's early life. I think she tried to tell him torture stories when he was a little boy, or something similar.

AMBER'S ANIMAL TALES AROUND AUSTIN VOL 1 or THE WILD ANIMALS I HAVE SEEN ON MY PROPERTY

Around 3:30PM on June 3, 2007 I saw another type of wild animal in my yard. For the 1st time I saw two deer on our Central Texas property. The deer looked like big, fat does. I think they were looking for water.

It was the strangest thing. It was the 1st day in many days I could take a day off from my hectic schedule. I grabbed the digital camera because I had a feeling I ought to go outside and have a look around. It is close to the time of year when the cactus bloom. I went out to check if there were any large profusions of yellow & orange flowers covering the local indigenous cacti. As I walked toward the front of the property to look where I know there are large cacti growing, I was completely taken aback by the 2 large healthy looking cervine beauties. Unfortunately my digital camera switched off automatically before I could snap a picture. I was not able to take a digital picture of the deer on the lot where I live, but I can still see them clearly in my mind & it makes me smile.

We've lived here in this Central Texas location for about 6 years. Other wild creatures I have observed here include the following:

Scorpion

Wild Gar, Bass, Catfish, Perch, Carp

Mollusks

Crawfish (1 was the size of a small lobster!)

Frogs and Toads (Vivid green tree frogs 7-8-07)

Turtles, Box & Snapping varieties I think
This morning while leaving for work, I saw a turtle in the driveway. It not unusual to see turtles in the pond but this was the first time I saw a turtle out of the pond and up close to the house. I walked over and looked at the turtle but I did not have a camera with me, so I did not get a picture, darn it. I don't know why but I felt like the turtle was female. Her shell was about 12 inches along her backbone and about 8 inches across her midsection. She was mostly green with small red marks on the sides of her face. I did not try to touch her, she was obviously scared because she pulled into her shell. I looked at her and made noises like I make when I talk to my cats. She poked her head out of her shell and looked at me. I went to my car and she scurried across the yard really quickly in the other direction. I made sure not to run over her as I left for work. I wondered why the turtle would get out of the pond, since I rarely see any of the turtles leave the pond. I think there is between 6-12 turtles living in the pond at home in front of the house. (Turtle in yard close to house & this passage observed 6/15/07.)

Various lizards

Alligator (Observed 7-01-07. See Alligator or Crocodile Blog )

Rattle Snakes, Water Moccasins, Rat snakes...
Just took a snake out of the house! I think it was a rat snake. It did not have rattles but looked like an 18-24" long, thin, 1/2 diameter at its widest pint, snake with markings similar to a rattle snake. I was sweeping the kitchen out out when I saw the snake. I moved a small cabinet where I store cat foot. It looked messy. As I swept I thought, "What kind of mess have the cats made now?... ...Oh sh*t the pile moves!" We moved the snake safely outside. (Observed 6/17/07)

Doves

Humming Birds

House Wrens

Cardinals

Buntings

Blue Jays

Purple Martins

Swallows, Scissor Tails

Hawks, Red tailed & other Raptors

Owls

Geese, various varieties

Cranes, White Egrets & Herons

Large Blue Herons

Vultures, various varieties

Mice & Rats (though the cats keep these hunted down)

Moles

Rabbit

Possum (I did not know Possum climbed trees until I lived here & one day I looked up to see a Possum staring at me from up in the trees).

Beaver (We joke about the beavers being industrial sized, they leave huge wood chips in their wake.)

Raccoons (A mama decided to deliver her babies in one of the space between the walls of the house one year. The little ones were very, very cute.)

Coyote (Rare but I heard stories about coyotes & wolves being loose in my area for years - wild & feral & pack dogs are really hard & cats & some livestock in this area.)


Foxes (added 6/01/09)

Now DEER!

We have also seen evidence (footprints) of wild pigs

Have smelled skunk

Not wild but loose on the property

Lots of cats

Lots of dogs

Horses (belonging to the neighbors, what a surprise it was that morning to wake up to horses in the yard)

As I remember or see more wild animals close to home I will probably continuously update this blog entry

Since I did not get a good photo of the deer, I am including a pic of a baby bunny we tried to rescue with this blog. Here is a pic of the bunny we tried to rescue...

THE ORIGINS OF HOPE

The earliest memories I have of my Grandpa are from the time when I felt afraid everywhere, during those horrible years between ages 4 & 16 when I felt completely beaten down & alone in the world. The one place I could go & just be, was with my peaceful, deep, mystical Grandfather. With Grandpa it was possible to feel happy, safe & loved. He had such a profound calming effect on me that I could change my anxious, fearful state of mind just by knowing he would let me tag along with him.

The first time I remember being aware of cancer, I was 8 & my Grandpa had lung cancer. It was rough. The family did not talk much about Grandpa's condition with us kids, the grandkids. But I could feel something was wrong that year.

Then, my Grandpa lived! The 1st time I ever saw cancer I saw my beloved Grandpa successfully overcome the disease!

Then he went on to teach me about exercise. As part of the recovery plan from his lung cancer, my Grandpa started a daily regimen of regular, gentle exercise. (My Grandfather must have had a great doctor, like me!) Often my Grandfather & Grandmother would walk about two miles per day. I use to go along when ever they would let me. (Until I connected with that memory just a little while ago, I remembered I started my own healthy exercise habit when I was 15 & a chiropractor told me my neck was 3 times as old as my chronological age. I started regular exercise & yoga in hopes of preventing more deterioration & even hoping to reverse the damage. Now I remember my Grandfather taught me to exercise & work on fitness even before I listened to a good doctor!)

I even wanted to go church with my Grandpa whenever he would go, which was unusual because I was bored of Catholic church services by the time I was four years old. But I wanted to go with him almost anywhere, just so I could be with him. I don't really remember what those church services were like. I just remember being so happy to be alone with my Grandpa.

Perhaps the happiest times of my childhood were when my family would go camping together. Often these camping trips included much of my Hamilton family, my mother's parents, different uncles & aunts with their kids, my mostly boy cousins. Oh what fun we had together in the Sierra Nevada Mountains of California, years ago when the area was much less developed then now. My Grandmother taught me the love of observing Nature, like hiking, bird watching with binoculars & botanical identification of favorite wild flowers. My Grandfather went trout fishing early in the morning, & my grandmother cleaned & cooked fresh trout for breakfast. My siblings, cousins & I swam in streams of snow water melted off the mountains. We all went on hiking trips together. I remember such profound & simple joy.

I believe these things described in these last two blogs, "Chance of Love" & "Origins of Hope" created a strong back drop for me to draw upon during my cancer battle. But I also believe one does not need the outer trappings (like having the good family or seeing someone else surviving before you face the fight) in order to survive the cancer battle (though it sure is helpful!). I also had extremely difficult ovarian cancer risks too. I found that I needed to create an emotional environment within me, rich in connection to those around me & of acceptance of what is & openness to the subconscious messages that arose out of the disease, as a path to learning how to heal from the disease.

Hope comes in many places & often it comes from where you least expect it. Being open is a choice.

A CHANCE OF LOVE

Growing up & next to my mother, I loved my Grandfather more than any other person on earth. My mother's father, my beloved Grandfather gave me so many gifts I have needed to make it through my own life. I can't even begin to count all reasons I feel so grateful for having Clarence Hamilton as my Grandfather.

My Grandfather came from a good family in Sacramento, California. My Grandpa was an early pro baseball player in California during the time when they had the 1st professional night games after installing lights at the stadium. His family was talented in communications & started the Sacramento Bee newspaper & several radio stations in California during the Great Depression of the 1930s. There were stories of my Great Grandfather keeping 3 or 4 churches alive during that time, even though my Great Grandfather was not Catholic.

Maybe the family is also where my Grandfather (like me) found his moral compass for doing good works & doing the right thing, I am not sure. By living life in a contemplative way, my Grandfather developed a tender, caring, compassion. Ethics in culture was always an idea to be discussed & lived by within the Hamilton Clan.

To this day I still feel very blessed at having come from this family, my mother's family. They are good people that have been known to do the right thing when faced with choices. Though my Grandfather, Grandmother & Mother have all passed, I still see the good, caring, loving people, my people, in my Hamilton uncles. I miss being with the Hamiltons in day to day life. (I am in Texas, some Hamiltons are in California & some are in other states. We are a large family. My Grandparents alone had five children.) I miss my Grandfather, my Grandmother & Mother profoundly.

My Irish/English Catholic mother used to say that if there was such a thing as reincarnation, she thought me & my Grandfather were two people who had lived a previous life together then reincarnated together again in this life. My Grandfather & I seemed to share the many of the same beliefs. A huge belief we held in common was the absolute conviction that LIFE is SACRED. I was a small child when that core belief took root within my deepest being. The core belief that *ALL LIFE IS SACRED* has saved my life, as I clung to it during difficult moments.

Maybe I started to pick up my Grandfather's mystical ways, or maybe I was always mystical myself, so my Grandfather & I were just naturally compatible. I am not sure if my Grandfather somehow conveyed his mystical beliefs to me or if I was going to be mystical by virtue of receiving the *mystical gene*. Whatever the case, I followed my Grandfather in my reverence for LIFE & LOVE of GOD/DESS or SHEKINAH or HOLY SPIRIT or GREAT SPIRIT or the DIVINE or whatever name you want to use for the ALL.

MORE ON MY WARRIORS or WHAT'S IN A NAME

The Great Queen Morgaine from which the Morrigu legends arise; Brigid of the early Celts; Boudica queen of Iceni; Joan or Arc...

History has not recorded very many stories about female warriors. That's why when I faced my cancer I was surprised to discover my name conveys the stories or (archetype) of a woman warrior.

Growing up Catholic I was baptized & given the name of a saint. My saint was Barbara. In Catechism I learned the meaning of my name and my saint's legacy was the dark & silent stranger (the barbarian) who gave Jesus water on the way to the crucifixion. There is a strong element of compassion in my namesake, as well as the idea of the dark, misunderstood, displaced person from a another culture, the barbarian. I was not sure I liked my name, but I sure did fit my name. I really was amused as a kid when church authorities removed my saint's venerated status from her by de-canonizing St. Barbara. My cousin Chris suffered the same fate because the church de-canonized St. Christopher about the same time.

Just before I engaged fully in my cancer battle I went back to San Jose, California (where I was born) on vacation. I did not feel good and I tended to stay in in the afternoons & surf the Internet. In email someone told me more about the meaning of my name. I read that St. Barbara was the:

Patron St. of artillery,
artillerymen,
armourers,
against death by artillery;
against explosions;
against fire;
against impenitence;
against lightning;
against mine collapse;
against storms;
ammunition magazines;
ammunition workers;
architects;
boatmen;
bomb technicians;
brass workers;
brewers;
builders;
carpenters;
construction workers;
dying people;
explosives workers;
fire;
fire prevention;
firefighters;
fireworks;
fireworks manufacturers;
fortifications;
founders;
geologists;
gravediggers;
gunners;
hatmakers;
hatters;
lightning;
mariners;
martyrs;
masons;
mathematicians;
military engineers;
milliners; miners;
Montecatini Terme, Italy;
ordnance workers;
prisoners;
safety from storms;
sailors;
saltpetre workers;
Santa Barbara, California;
smelters; stone masons;
stonecutters;
storms;
sudden death;
Syria;
tilers;
Toa Alto, Puerto Rico;
warehouses;
watermen.


Basically, Barbara was Princess sort of character, who for her religious beliefs, defied her father. Her father beheaded Barbara in some stories & in others she was burned at the stake. From my reading St. Barbara was a gentle, princess-like female who turned Christian at the wrong time & not the 1st person to die for religious or ethical beliefs. After she died, military men would call on her for strength during battle.

I think I am going to start praying to or meditating on my Saint! Maybe she is the guardian angel who saved me during cancer by whispering in my ear that I needed to start fighting with the help of a really good cancer doctor? The synchronicity of finding my warrior aspects just before I needed to face my cancer was a another welcome bit of aide that rose impressively from my *DARK* or unknown subconscious self. I can not see DARK as Evil, only as UNKNOWN. Here came stories from my unknown self that provided me with strength when I was in need & the courage to look within.



I love the stories, these stories, my stories!



Websites with more info on the St. Barbara stories

sill-www.army.mil/pao/pabarbar.htm

www.catholic-forum.com/saints...b01.htm

www.newadvent.org/cathen/02284d.htm

INTUITION & MYSTICISM

I really need to talk about intuition before talking about cancer, otherwise the whole story will not be accurate to the experience. I am both a scientific person (I have a Mechanical Engineering degree from a respected university) & a deeply spiritual person. Both the rational & the spiritual sides motivate me to be in the here & the now, as much as possible at all times. I did act as an observing person during my whole cancer experience, the observing part of me watching & recording in my memory all aspects of my cancer to the best of my ability. But even more than that, I was struck with a precognition that I was getting ovarian cancer & a knowing that I would live. Luckily for me throughout the whole experience I had the sense I would live. Later, I would find out that my chances for living through my ovarian & uterine cancer with metastasis were less than Lance Armstrong's chances for living through his cancer ordeal. This deeply felt knowing my life would continue beyond cancer proved to be true. I am alive now & writing in this blog. I probably will never know if that assuredness I would live is something that I created from really a good subconscious & good coping mechanisms or if I was aware of something extraordinary &/or psychic in nature. Maybe that knowing is a result of some of both & more. I am not sure it matters.

THE WREN THAT FLEDGED IN OUR HANDS

Where I live it is still rural. Some years the house wrens make nests right up next to the house & sometimes they make their nests right in the side of the house, if they can find a knot hole to crawl through. These are pretty small & very social birds. They seem to be more accepting of people than most other wild birds. I have read house wrens are known for making nests close to human homes.

This picture is from the 1st year a house wren nested next to the workshop. It was odd to see a bird nest with babies sitting on the shelf next to household chemicals. But that is where the bird built her nest. This picture was taken after two of the babies left the nest & hopped on our fingers by their own choice. Therion managed to grab a camera & catch a couple of shots.

This same year I remember my heart was broken when the mama bird kept tossing of the babies out of the nest. After several rounds of tossing the baby bird in & out of the nest, I finally brought the baby in the house & tried to rescue. The baby did not make it.

Animals & animal rescue is close to my heart. Maybe that is because I have no children of my own. Before my cancer I knew in my bones God wanted me to be a Vet. I lived my whole life to become a Vet, until cancer struck.

I may have changed my mind about becoming a Vet but I still love to experience up close & personal encounters with wild animals, plants & most of mother nature's creatures (even the snakes & spiders, if they don't get too close!).

HALLOWEEN TREATS

A couple years ago I went outside in the yard on Halloween night & found this snake, dead on the sidewalk. I found it strange that a snake with a skull marking should die and be found by me in the yard on Halloween.

Later I talked with someone who ran a pet shop. I asked him about the snake, did he know what kind of snake this was?

The pet shop owner said a snake with this type of marking is a very poisoness viper. Don't let these bite you.

I have seen several of these snakes, alive near my house since. I have seen a few other poisoness snakes too, like the time a rattler wanted to chase me out of my yard. There are water moccasins around here too

BEE SWARM IN SPRING 2007 CENTRAL TEXAS

Here is a copy of a pic from late May 6, 2007 when I saw bees leaving a hive on our property. The bees were apparently leaving the old hive with a new queen, in search of a new home. The swarm was quite peaceful but loud. I was working in the garden when I heard an unusual roar. I looked up & saw the bees flying out of the hive & into this tree. The path they bees flew in appeared dark grey in color & their movement out of the original hive reminded me a lot of what it looks like when the bats wake up & fly out from under the Congress Street bridge in Austin, Texas, except the bees were louder.

In the picture may be difficult to see all the bees gathered in on the main branch of the tree, where the Y is located. The bees stayed huddles a s group in this tree for about 18 hours before leaving.

For a couple of days before the bee migration to a new hive took place, we heard a squeaking sound coming from the hive.

GETTING STARTED

I have been blogging for a few months on MySpace. This week I noticed Myspace is dropping my old blogs as fast as I enter new ones so I want to try a new grwon up blog. We will see how this one works...

A few years ago I promised myself to start writing again, as a form of artistic expression. I love to journal privately, but I am not use to writing a diary that's open for the public viewing. Now I think I am passing through that blockage too. I must remain sensitive to & respectful to the privacy of others. But I really want to write for me again.

Not long ago, I completed CanCare cancer support volunteer training. The next day when I woke up, I remembered my own cancer experiences & cried like I had not done before. (I hope that was release!) I continue remembering things about all of my various cancer experiences, things I have not thought of in a long time, all those poignant things that I have not completely worked through. Not only was there my cancer, but there was my mother's cancer & Winnie's cancer, & the many people with cancer who came to me because they needed the reassurance of hearing about someone who lived through a very aggressive cancer battle. Many individuals I met along this journey were successful with their cancer treatments, but my mother & Winnie did not live. (More about my mother & Winnie later.)

I see a ripe subject in front of me, a subject that is for the most part mine to share & may also be meaningful to others. I hope that what I write serves me artistically & psychologically. I will also be happy if other cancer patients, survivors (in the broadest sense, not just cancer survivors) & family members of cancer patients want to add comments & participate in the dialogue.

Probably I will also want to write about my animals; Current events taking place in natural world around me (like the bee swarm I saw leave its hive in the spring this year for a new hive with a new queen); Other artistic adventures & projects (like the WyldeFyre Amy's Ice Cream 1st Thursday Fire & Ice Cream Social last week or something really cool that I just designed & made or developed a recipe for); Being a survivor (my list includes severe childhood trauma with alcoholism & many cancer experiences); Comparative Religion; Healing methods; Fitness (physical, emotional & spiritual); DANCE of course; Great books or works of art; New scientific discoveries, Herbalism... So here goes!

Artistically I am aware of my how my spirit is changing & growing as a result of passing through rough life experiences. Besides significant childhood trauma in my background, there are also the difficult accomplishments. One of the hardest things I ever did was to complete my UT Austin Mechanical Engineering degree as a woman when I was one of 2 or 3 women in ME college. The two most difficult cancer experiences so far were watching my mother die slowly after doctor gave her too much radiation for colon cancer. Then next in difficulty for me came my successful battle with aggressive ovarian & uterine cancer that was growing multiple grapefruit sized tumors in 2-3 weeks.

Now I am so proud of my inner spirit. God/dess or Great Spirit blessed me in ways I never expected. Art & psychology are fusing in my subconscious. Early in life I was attuned to the Phoenix archetype. At age 17 my mother showed me I am a Scorpio rising & I felt the soul within me that rises from the ashes & triumphantly lives again after difficult experiences. After cancer, the archetype that spoke loudest to me evolved into a dragon. I often performed as a dancing dragon with a drumming group & *I became the Dragon*. Now subsequent to cancer survival I am aware of a Warrior(ess) spirit supporting me in my journey. I feel like Xena walks within me and around me (as an aspect of God/dess or Shekinah???) & I am meeting wonderful wonderful warrior women in my private life, which makes me very happy. Now people see the tough part of me where they always use to see someone who was extremely sensitive & innocent. Somehow the artistic expression of these sometimes harrowing life experiences allows me to frame the difficult experiences as adventures in my life. This helps smooth all the feelings for me, placing abstract meaning on the experiences that make them valuable & tolerable to remember consciously so I can move through the remaining rough memories & file edges down a little bit.