THE ORIGINS OF HOPE

The earliest memories I have of my Grandpa are from the time when I felt afraid everywhere, during those horrible years between ages 4 & 16 when I felt completely beaten down & alone in the world. The one place I could go & just be, was with my peaceful, deep, mystical Grandfather. With Grandpa it was possible to feel happy, safe & loved. He had such a profound calming effect on me that I could change my anxious, fearful state of mind just by knowing he would let me tag along with him.

The first time I remember being aware of cancer, I was 8 & my Grandpa had lung cancer. It was rough. The family did not talk much about Grandpa's condition with us kids, the grandkids. But I could feel something was wrong that year.

Then, my Grandpa lived! The 1st time I ever saw cancer I saw my beloved Grandpa successfully overcome the disease!

Then he went on to teach me about exercise. As part of the recovery plan from his lung cancer, my Grandpa started a daily regimen of regular, gentle exercise. (My Grandfather must have had a great doctor, like me!) Often my Grandfather & Grandmother would walk about two miles per day. I use to go along when ever they would let me. (Until I connected with that memory just a little while ago, I remembered I started my own healthy exercise habit when I was 15 & a chiropractor told me my neck was 3 times as old as my chronological age. I started regular exercise & yoga in hopes of preventing more deterioration & even hoping to reverse the damage. Now I remember my Grandfather taught me to exercise & work on fitness even before I listened to a good doctor!)

I even wanted to go church with my Grandpa whenever he would go, which was unusual because I was bored of Catholic church services by the time I was four years old. But I wanted to go with him almost anywhere, just so I could be with him. I don't really remember what those church services were like. I just remember being so happy to be alone with my Grandpa.

Perhaps the happiest times of my childhood were when my family would go camping together. Often these camping trips included much of my Hamilton family, my mother's parents, different uncles & aunts with their kids, my mostly boy cousins. Oh what fun we had together in the Sierra Nevada Mountains of California, years ago when the area was much less developed then now. My Grandmother taught me the love of observing Nature, like hiking, bird watching with binoculars & botanical identification of favorite wild flowers. My Grandfather went trout fishing early in the morning, & my grandmother cleaned & cooked fresh trout for breakfast. My siblings, cousins & I swam in streams of snow water melted off the mountains. We all went on hiking trips together. I remember such profound & simple joy.

I believe these things described in these last two blogs, "Chance of Love" & "Origins of Hope" created a strong back drop for me to draw upon during my cancer battle. But I also believe one does not need the outer trappings (like having the good family or seeing someone else surviving before you face the fight) in order to survive the cancer battle (though it sure is helpful!). I also had extremely difficult ovarian cancer risks too. I found that I needed to create an emotional environment within me, rich in connection to those around me & of acceptance of what is & openness to the subconscious messages that arose out of the disease, as a path to learning how to heal from the disease.

Hope comes in many places & often it comes from where you least expect it. Being open is a choice.